Phew.

OK, I don't have cancer.

You didn't know I was worried? I've had a week of tests. Ultrasound, bloods, and best of all Barium Enema, which is 'uncomfortable' in the way Hitler is 'unpleasant'.

But Mike Lewis (whose daughter I married just before Christmas - I know, I know, I married so many women last year you forget these things - this was the surgeon's daughter - is all becoming clearer now?) has been a star and whisked me through all the tests I needed.

I needed? Stomach pains. Strange bowelly things going on. More stomach pains. And suddenly all that weight loss begins to look a bit less thrilling.

The results: I am in great health. I genuinely have the metabolism I had in my early twenties, and it's a good thing. The bloods show my diet is good, there's nothing nasty hidden away, everything is tip-top. The ultrasound shows all is working properly. The enema reveals no nasty cancers lurking, no diseases, no blockages. All is well inside the vicar.

Except - I'm in pain, and quite a bit of it.

Mike prods me about and discovers that there is a strong pain just above the stomach pain on the costochondral junction of my ribcage. Which he thinks is sending a dermatone pain down to my stomach. (Think - like shingles travels down your nerve system.) Tietze's Syndrome. It doesn't explain all the bowelly stuff - but maybe I just had a bug; coincidence. He gave me a local anaesthetic and the pain for a while subsided. The bad news? It may take 3 months to heal, but the good news is - heal it will.

Glory. What an answer to prayer. It has been a worrying few days. Weeks. Some of you have known, and I thank you for your prayers - for the rest, just join with me in gratitude. God is good; this is genuinely painful, but no more than that. I am officially healthy.

Phew.