this is an ex-pope...

Today, for the first time in 600 years, a Pope left the Vatican City having resigned his office. I felt I should mark the occasion with something appropriate. Something fitting. Something that pays due respect to the institution of the Papacy and to the historical nature of this occasion.

Alternatively, with a little nod to a certain British comedy tradition... 

A prayerful Catholic enters the Vatican.

Catholic: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The priest on duty does not respond.)

C: 'Ello, Miss?

Priest: What do you mean "miss"?

C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

P: We're closin' for lunch.

C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Pope what swore his life in service of the church not half an hour ago at this very House of God.

P: Oh yes, the, uh, the German White...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's resigned, that's what's wrong with it!

P: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

C: Look, matey, I know a resigned Pope when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

O: No no he's not resigned, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable Pope, the German White, idn'it, ay? Beautiful red shoes!

C: The shoes don't enter into it. It's flown away. In an 'Elicopter.

O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!

(shouting at the curtain in front of the throne of St Peter)

'Ello, Mister Hans Pope! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...(priest hits the curtain)

P: There, it moved!

C: No, it didn't, that was you hitting the curtain!

P: I never!!

C: Yes, you did!

P: I never, never did anything, you can ask a Cardinal...

C: (yelling and hitting the curtain repeatedly) 'ELLO POPEY!!!!!

Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Shakes curtain till it falls, revealing empty throne. Both men stare at it. C eventually lifts a finger and points:)

C: Now that's what I call Sede Vacante!

P: No, no.....No, 'e's just gone to the loo!

C: THE POPE'S GONE TO THE LOO?!?

P: Yeah! All that shakin', you stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! German Whites have a weak bladder, it's a well-known fact, major.

C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That Pope is definitely resigned, and when it gave its life to serve the Church not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and 78 but that it 'ad years left in it yet.

P: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the Rhine.

C: PININ' for the RHINE?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did my photo of him fall flat on its back the moment I got 'im home?

P: The German White prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable Pope, id'nit, squire? Lovely shoes!

C: Look, I took the liberty of reading about that Pope when you lot first blew the smoke up the chimney, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

P: Well, o'course it was nailed there! It's the flippin' Pope - if he's not had the whole bleedin' stigmata it's VOOM! Feeweeweewee! He's off!

C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this Pope wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' resigned!

P: No no! 'E's pining!

C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's resigned! This Pope is no more! He has ceased to be Papa! 'E's Emeritus and gone to pray in 'is Summer House!

'E's on holiday! Bereft of duty, 'e rests at his leisure! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the Throne of St Peter 'e'd be fishing up the Tiber!
'Is Theologic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the Curia!
'E's kicked the bulls, 'e's shuffled off 'is triple tiara, collected his pension and clocked in at his Pensione!!

THIS IS AN EX-POPE!!

(pause)

P: Well, I'd better replace him, then.

(he takes a quick peek behind the altar)

P: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the Sistene Chapel, and uh, we're right out of Popes...