Saturday, November 09, 2013

pastoral epistles

I have a new email address as Rector here, and have been doing my best to answer questions and keep up with requests as they have come in. Here is a flavour of rural community life so far.

Dear Rector,
I hear one of your walnut trees has blown down in the storm. This is a sign from God: even so, he is blowing down the Church of England, and especially that awful little man Justin. Justin! What a name.
Would you like to come for tea, some time?

Dear Rector,
I am told that one of those dear walnut trees has blown down. It reminds me: I had an old maiden aunt with a dressing table made from walnut veneer. At least, we thought it was veneer, until one Bonfire Night, for a wheeze, we threw my aunt on the bonfire as the 'Guy' - and she took forever to burn, so perhaps she was made from solid walnut?

Dear Rector,
Do you intend to castrate your new dog? If not, my daughter would be interested in using him for breeding.

Dear Rector,
Do you hunt, or are you a Liberal Democrat? I realise you aren't married, but I could find a horse for you if you would like. Coming from the north I expect you're quite handy with a gun, so you will join our New Year Shoot, won't you?

And my replies (in reverse order):

Dear Sir ... ... MP,
I am afraid I will be away at New Year. Perhaps another time?

Dear Churchwarden,
Sadly for your daughter's spaniels, Harry is not long to be entire. But thank you for putting this thought in my mind.

Dear Headteacher,
Bonfire Night does bring back memories, does it not? I had an uncle whose neck was solid brass, I swear.

Dear Bishop,
I would be delighted to come for tea.


the_exile said...

Love it!

KWRegan said...

Dear Rector,
After years of having the philosophical foundations of my faith shaken daily, I had finally found the firm soil of conviction that verily yes: The old walnut tree / Continues to be / When there's no one about in the Quad / ... / Since observed by
---Yours faithfully, God.
But now this. I know you'll think "Dear Sir, Your astonishment's odd..." but I must say this has come at the worst time for me. Couldn't you at least have supported it by driving some stakes into the ground?

Marcus Green said...

Have you seen the price of stake?