Punctuation

I've had a problem with my insides for a while. I wrote a blog about it before going on sabbatical and decided not to publish. My doctor had done a test which came back showing that something was up, but as that was about it I decided to stop being so paranoid.

But it has got worse. Whilst I was in the States I made sure I was on an aisle seat near the loo each time I flew. This became important. And then the pain in my side increased. On Monday I saw my doctor again.

Those who know what kind of examination you get for these kind of issues can imagine the scene. Think Nazi torture techniques. Actually, the bit I found embarrassing was when I was asked if there was any blood in my stools.

(I'm the guy who, on his driving test, when asked to read the number plate of the red car, couldn't actually see a red car. That's colour blindness for you. And why this should make me feel embarrassed given everything else going on... Aren't people strange?)

So my answer was evasive. How would I know? It could be green & I'd be none the wiser.

The doctor said it was probably something with my colon. Diverticular something. I remember thinking, "That's awful - I'm a writer and I have a disease of my punctuation." And then I thought - "Isn't that a kind of big truck? Like you'd hear on the radio after a traffic accident? 'The M5 is closed at junction 4 following a seven vehicle incident involving a diverticulated lorry'." I was waiting for an emergency phone number for relatives to contact.

"It's your age," said the doctor comfortingly. I wondered as I lay on my side if I could lie about that, too. Would it make me feel better?

My sister was helpful on the phone. "You need a better diet." I've had a pretty good diet. Lost a lot of weight, though the doctor regards that as potentially a sympton. Hopefully not. Might make it something else. "More fibre," says Gill. "And tablets." Well, I take tablets, but probably not the right ones. And given the fresh veg, pasta and disgusting muddy-brown bread I eat, there's plenty of fibre in my diet. Still, here's to more fibre.

Will moral fibre do? I have quite a line in that.

So now I am waiting to see a specialist who will decide if I am a lorry with punctuation problems. Or whether this pain in my side is from laughing it all off.